Delusions in Vegas

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Vegas is a big dream of unnecessary bullshit. Amazing, really. The strip is long , but you can def walk without dying as long as it’s early in the morning or late at night, when the sun isn’t  so strong. Also, don’t try to take any shortcuts through the casinos because you’ll never make it out. I’ve concluded that the reason the strip doesn’t seem as long as it is is because as huge as those hotels are, you can see them all at once! Stretch Time Square to about 2 miles, legalize hookers and gambling and viola; Vegas.

I wasn’t aware prior to booking my trip that I would be visiting Vegas on during the much anticipated Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. When I did finally find out, I was expecting complete madness, but honestly it just seemed like a normal party city to me. Did I miss something?

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I arrive after a grueling 14 hour bus ride from San Francisco on Friday May 1st, 2015 around 1:30 pm. From one bus to the next, I jump on with the locals to the hotel. The guys have been here for a couple days already and are super excited about this  fight I decided to sleep through. But I’m getting ahead of myself, it’s only Friday.

Shower, get my biddy dress on and off we go. My first Vegas exploration. First stop, MGM of course. As chill as Cali was, it took about a day or so to get my turn up turnt up. So Friday night I spent eating, coolin’ outside of the casinos, shooting the shit, and having smokes by the pool. Saturday we check into Circus Circus where I spend my afternoon by the pool making the boys from Texas nervous and riding coasters in the awesome indoor theme park. While the boys crowd around the screen for the fight later that night I take my disco nap because tonight, I party.

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The double decker buses that run on the strip are awesome because there’s a huge window at the front on the second level where you can oversee the action. So back to MGM we go. The city’s an even bigger party than usual because Mayweather wins etc. Obviously I could care less so I stray from the group to find my kinda party.

What I don’t find is a good drink place because with all the slow moving people on that coast (aarrrgghh) and getting lost in random casinos, getting one fucking drink is impossible. So a promoter stops me about the club at Planet Hollywood. Unlimited drinks for ladies? I’m def gonna check it out. And when I finally get there, I can vibe with the music, so this is it.

I get my drink, and 2 shots courtesy of the gentleman standing near me, and scan the crowd to see what’s up.

Straight up twerk music, and that’s cool but I’m not just gonna drop it like it’s hot on some random. I’m a lady. A sober lady at this point.

I meet some cool people, and of course end up next to the woman twerking with her dress up and her ass out standing on the couch. Not even in Vegas are they going to let that slide so, security came over quick to warn her…  A couple of times. The guys I eventually end up hanging with  that night take the table from Ms. Twerksalot because they pay for VIP bottle service. They offer me a spot in their very important section, pour me a drink, and kick it the rest of the night.

The party was over at 3 (booo), so I leave the club with my new friends and somehow end up in a limo heading to the Monte Carlo. We need food. Drunk food. And the pizza spot is open. I get a cheese and pepperoni calzone -YUM- while the chubby one is acting out, dancing and rapping, in the lobby for no on in particular.

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I go up to the room with two of the guys, and because we didn’t find a karaoke spot (or didn’t look for one) like we wanted to, we youtube songs and take turns singing along. But they’re still boys and I’m not stupid. Nor am I interested in anything more than chillin’ so after our 3rd or 5th? Karaoke round, I say goodbye. It’s gotta be like 5am at this point, and since I don’t see any buses, I walk the strip. 40 min of singing and dancing down the strip and  talking to everybody who’s still out, when a car pulls up. I’m still about 20 min from my hotel so I get in, and in exchange for my number, ATL Royce drives me the rest of the way. I get in, I pass out.

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Sunday’s my last day, so I wake Juan up for buffet brunch and of course it takes us an hour to get to it by bus. Fml. I’m getting real tired of this…

We finally get our bottomless mimosas, lose some money and head back. The most important lesson I think we learned walking that hot ass strip? You can’t hail cabs in the middle of the street. So after 40 min of walking and trying to get a cab we confuse ourselves at a different hotel and finally end up at taxi call. There’s a huge line but a party bus pulls up and let’s out a group of girls so I go check it out. He doesn’t usually take passengers but our hotel happens to be right by the Sapphire Exotic Dance Club where he’s headed. Bingo!

Time is running out so we we sit for 3 min when we get back to the room, and then run downstairs to steal free rides at the park before I go. And then I go.

Vegas, Vegas, Vegas. What a hot ass mess.

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